this is twenty three

“Trust in Jehovah with all your heart and do not lean upon your own understanding. In all your ways take notice of him, and he himself will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3:5”

This has been in my constant thoughts and prayers these past two weeks. I can say with all certainty and truthfulness that it is more true than I could have ever imagined. For the first time in my life, I feel as though I have finally let Jehovah in in a way I’ve never done before. I’m letting him be my friend and I’m starting to trust him instead of myself. What a relief! I’ve been thinking to myself what the HECK have you been doing these past 13 years? Letting yourself get stressed out, taking everything and everyone onto yourself, not asking for help.. or even worse, asking for help but not listening and not trusting him to actually do it. coughcoughcontrolfreakcoughcough. 

Let’s start from the beginning, now that I’ve set an undertone of how I’ve (he’s) been able to pull this move off. 

I’ve been applying to jobs non stop for months now. Setting up appointments way in advance, getting contacts, emailing random schools. I’ve really tried to put myself out there in hopes of something coming up. The day before moving to Austin I got a phone call from a school I had emailed the night before. This was AFTER I made a decision and booked my plane ticket. She wanted to interview me the next day. Obviously, I couldn’t since I wouldn’t be there. So we booked for the following Monday. She told me I was exactly what they were looking for, that they loved my letter I wrote to them and that they really wanted to meet me as soon as I can. After hanging up the phone I realized I couldn’t go on Monday, in my excitement I made an interview for a time I couldn’t do. So I called her the next day and told her I couldn’t make it, scared of her reply. ”Haley, that’s not a problem at all! I totally understand that your in a stressful situation and that you are still working out everything. This is a big move for you. Tuesday will be more than ok! Don’t worry!” Could this be true?

Let’s fast forward a few days and skip all the horrible emotional things like how I didn’t think I would physically be able to get on the plane to Austin. How I was hunched over in the bathroom stall stifling atrocious sobs. How I couldn’t see my self succeeding in this move. How I didn’t feel strong enough to even answer the airlines check in staff when asked what my last name was. How just looking at my family made me short of breath and well with tears. Let’s skip to when the plane landed and I heard ‘Welcome to Austin. The current temperature is perfect and the weather conditions are dreamy and welcoming. Congratulations, you did it Haley’. I felt like this was the first time I could relax. To stop and take a breath. The past 5 hours I was on auto pilot. I wasn’t in control of my actions anymore, just going through the physical motions of boarding and un boarding. I walked down the stairs and that was it. I didn’t have to say anymore goodbyes. From now on it’s only hello’s.

The next couple days were filled with sun and the sounds of laughter, beer, music and days that I will remember for a very long time. Farmers markets and mushrooms, banjos and jazz, grass and sun bathing, song writing and harmonies, walks and runs, and a view that puts an unsettled heart at ease. I couldn’t have asked for anything more. Sunday I went to the meeting. I was fine until I heard a little toddler in the back start laughing and making sounds. I was instantly reminded of Liam and started to panic for whatever reason. Flashes of my old congregation, sitting with Ari and Louise at the meeting, playing with kids. They all hit me like a drunk driver and my mind went spiraling out of control. I had to get up. I had to move. I walked out the door not knowing where I was going, my feet leading the way. Breathe Haley. No one said this was going to be an easy thing.

Tuesday came around and I went on my interview. An hour and a half process that went smashingly. They wanted me. They told me everything I wanted to hear. I told them everything they wanted to hear. It was the perfect job. I had potential for growth, for experience, and maybe, just maybe, schooling options. The first job I talked to is the one that without a doubt I wanted to have. I was asked back for a second ‘working interview’ where I went in, after rescheduling another appointment, and it went really well. After the day was over I was sat down and told that they just were told by a girl that works there that she would like to apply for the position also. My heart sank. In my head I was thinking this is it. It’s over. I knew it was too good to be true. It was all I could do to remain calm and focus on what she was saying. She wanted me, but she had others to interview, but she wanted to make me an offer, but she still had to talk to the other girl, but she…….. and on it went. When I left I thought to myself ‘well.. keep on looking’. I got home and started to panic. Thoughts were running through my mind like ‘what am I going to do?! how am I going to fix this?! what will be my plan now??’ and then it hit me. Out of no where. I wasn’t reading, I wasn’t listening to anything. It came on it’s own.. ”Trust in Jehovah with all your heart and do not lean upon your own understanding…” I was trying to process what trusting in Jehovah would mean in this situation. So I started by thinking what my own understanding was.. That I wasn’t going to get this job, that I had to take control over what I was going to do and that I have to worry and, basically, freak out about it haha. Then I thought.. Well, what would trusting in Jehovah right now mean? It would mean give him more than just a few hours to make something happen for you. It would mean COMPLETELY trust that he will make SOMETHING work out. That just because ME, an imperfect person, thinks that what I just heard meant ‘you won’t get this job’ didn’t really mean anything at all. I said a prayer and decided to let it go for that night. And so I did, surprisingly. 

The next morning I was on my way out the door for another interview. They called me that morning and asked me to come in. I was scheduled to be there at 12. At 11 as I was sitting on the curb waiting for a friend to pick me up and take me when I got a phone call from the school that I was on my way to interview at. ”Miss Ahokas? Hi.. I’m so sorry but it seems like we double booked at 12, is it possible for you to come in at 3 instead?” I was so irritated. I cancelled my ride and went back up the condo to wait around a few hours. I sat down, got on the computer and started looking for more jobs online. About 10 minutes later the phone rings and I answer it. “Hi Haley…. We would like to officially offer you the position here at the school!…” I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Was this really happening? Was the first interview I went on, the absolute perfect job for me, was this really the job I was gonna get? Within a week of moving here? I accepted. I hung up the phone and felt like I was in a haze. I really couldn’t believe it (commence champagne celebration). It’s as if he took what I wanted and just materialized this school and handed me the position. 

The next day we go in early morning service. We did business territory. I was nervous, but I kind of took it like a champ and rolled right up in a tire business and placed some magazines with the guys there. Afterwards we met for regular service and on our way out of the parking lot a sister comes up to Sunshine and I and says something fast to her about some guy ‘not wanting it. its too far away’ and looks at me and walks back to her car. I didn’t really know what was going on. Turns out this sister and her husband have an efficiency apartment that they rent out. Turns out they needed someone to rent it asap. Turns out, it was perfectly in my price range. And so guess where I’m laying right now? The best part about the whole thing is I didn’t have to buy much of anything to move in. No towels, no dishes or forks or knives or a BED or dressers or anything. I went to the store and bought some food, some toilet paper and paper towels and called it a night haha. Worries of how I would be able to afford to get what I needed for a new apartment fell out the window when I was given this place. Jehovah gave me just what I needed.  

So after these things there was really only one thing left to take care of before I could get going here and start working. A car. I really didn’t expect this to be the one that was the most difficult to sort out. The reason it was so stressful too was because I couldn’t rent a car because I didn’t have a Texas license, and if you don’t have a texas license then you have to have a major credit card, which I don’t have either. So basically I was screwed. I tried to get a Texas license but I needed my SS card which so happens to be on a boat in the middle of the ocean on the way from Sweden ha. The school wanted me to start on Wednesday, which gave me about 4 days to get a loan, find a car, and finalize everything. By Tuesday night I didn’t have anything settled and so I had to cancel work for the next day. I was hating the idea of canceling but I really had no choice in the matter. By Wednesday it still wasn’t done so yet again, I cancelled work. I couldn’t have asked for a more understanding and reasonable boss. She was so excited for me just to come whenever I could get there that she was so accepting of me not being able to find a car. She told me she understood and to take my time. Really?! haha. After almost a week though of trying to find a car I finally bought one tonight. I feel really good about my decision because the car I was looking at before this was a newer one, more expensive, and I just had a strange feeling about it that I was really trying to suppress. I don’t know why. I really need to learn to listen to myself and my gut in these things. Stop being so stinking stubborn. So after fighting to get this one car, it finally fell thru and I happened to come across a car that I had already seen on CL but never really gave a fair chance. I went to see it and just kind of fell in love with it. It has some things that need to be fixed cosmetically, but the paint is perfectly red and the interior is great for the age. Oh, and did I mention it’s a convertible? haha yeah. That happened. I felt like the previous one didn’t work out for a reason. I’m happy for it. 

I really don’t know what to make of my life. I can’t believe that I would be someone that Jehovah would bless in any way at all. But I know that all this really isn’t just for me. I know there are a lot of people who know what is going on and why I made the decisions that I did and why this has been such a success. It’s been one hell of a ride these past few months, but I wouldn’t trade any of it. The outcome has been more than worth it. A few things I think I have learned is that Jehovah, when you really completely trust that he will take care of you, will never fail you. I learned that you can do and accomplish a lot more than you probably think you can, despite what others say to you. Also, there are people out there that will go above and beyond what you ever would ask for or expect and will prove their love for you, so much so that you feel at a loss of how you could ever repay them. You know who you are. And that sometimes, or rather a lot of times, it’s usually the ones you least expect to come through for you that do. Don’t get hung up on ideas. Be open minded to possibilities. And people.

as some of you may know, i have been staying with my friend kelly for almost two weeks now. she lives one apartment building down from where my moms apartment is.. which is also where ari and louise are staying while they are visiting. this is all much too convenient (which happens to be one of americas favorite words according to louise :) so luckily, and most fittingly as i possess no car and no means of transport, i get to very easily and quickly walk from kelly’s to mom’s place in minutes. so fast that you probably would never even notice the time passing. barely enough time to write a text and send it. not enough time to start getting anxious over if i am gonna find a job. not even enough time to bite my nail. at least this was the case until recently. now i feel as if that last stretch drags on for centuries.

i was walking to my parents place. just before i reached their staircase i caught sight of the man living downstairs. he has the corner apartment right before their hallway and i can’t help but to see him every time i walk by. his lights are always on, whether its 6 or 12 at night, he is there and they are on. he is always, always sitting on the same sofa in the same spot. he’s staring into a late 90s television, usually eating, but sometimes just sitting there. maybe this wouldn’t be something to write about if it were just once or twice that i saw him there. but i see him there every time i pass by. i see him there everyday, all day. some days i will stroll by in the morning and he will be there and when i come home at night the same day, he is still there. maybe just a few more cans on the floor or a pillow out of place. when i mentioned it to my mom she said she met him once, he is disabled somehow. it’s not apparent from where i creep outside, but i suppose that makes a lot of sense. maybe it’s difficult for him to leave the house.

i guess the idea behind this is just to say that i feel sad. i feel anxious and empathetic each time i walk by and see him there watching tv, alone. always alone. and lonely. a part of me wants to bake him cookies, knock on the door and sit and talk with him. but he isn’t that old. 50s maybe. which i guess it could be strange to be alone with him. but i also feel a knot in my stomach every time i walk by and see him. almost guilty. guilty that i am out and meeting people. seeing friends and family. guilty that i don’t do more. appreciate what i can do.

i guess the question here is do we appreciate who and what we have? .. maybe not your question. but my question at least.

i feel like friend is such an understatement. couldn’t people have come up with a better term than ‘friend’? it’s so empty, or maybe it’s not empty but all the people you refer to as friends who aren’t really close to you is taking away it’s feeling?

it’s not often where you hold a conversation on the phone that makes you start to cry. and not cry from bad news or something that makes you sad, but from just pure joy of talking to that person. of hearing what you should have been hearing for years but you’ve missed. hearing of their happiness and their love. its heartbreakingly beautiful. which makes me think of who this happens with. who am i willing to cry over? who am i willing to travel across the world for? who do i want to talk to all the time just so i can know that they are alright, and that talking to them makes me feel alright too. who do you love that loves you just the same? who do you rhyme with?

i am friends with few, and rhyme with even fewer. i fear a lot, and surprisingly love even more. i feel as though my eyes are being opened and that i am finally realizing and seeing who matters and who is worth crying over. . because the ones who are, wont hurt you the way the rest will. at 22 i feel like i am seeing for the first time. and in a way, i’m loving for the first time. i’m not sure it’s possible to completely love without first having lost. sweden showed me that. if nothing else, it taught me how to love.