this is twenty three

Photo

Tue, 22 Jan 2013 14:07:03 -0500

Found this old thing in my notes

Fri, 21 Sep 2012 10:00:52 -0400

There is no definite way to cope
Or as it says so perfectly ‘point of hope’
There’s no way to see the future
Or to look behind for its all such a blur
And what of ones ‘prospects in life’?
Become a mom, a sister, a wife?
But if independence is all u long for
Then the thought of being a possession is something to mourn for
How can one say that’s what you should do?
When for you being content is somewhat of a breakthrough.

Shining Spirit

Sun, 22 Jul 2012 13:21:04 -0400

Aching limbs that break in feathers
Signs of mourning clear in the future
Cold stiff hands broken and weathered
Tempestuous clouds calling her name

The rough of the dirt hard against her eyes
The smell of last night lingering within
Her splitting seams and long failing tries
And everything else that seems to fall short

These are the days of her youth
These are the times she shines

austin by sunset.

Thu, 10 May 2012 23:29:36 -0400

austin by sunset.

pictures that I’m excited about from simones wedding.. a...

Wed, 02 May 2012 23:43:00 -0400

pictures that I’m excited about from simones wedding.. a few will make it on to the website :)

i hate that this has turned into a downer of a blog.. oh...

Sun, 29 Apr 2012 22:48:00 -0400

i hate that this has turned into a downer of a blog.. oh well.

this weekend has just been filled with instances of missing sweden, to generalize. and it’s been unexpected and frustrating and just hard. today at the meeting a woman commented, not american, and it took me a second to figure out if she was swedish or not. i had thoughts of walking over to her and speaking swedish and it made me so happy and sad at the same time.. turns out she was german, sorry. needless to say, i was disappointed. i guess the old ‘dont know what you had till its gone’ is ringing a bit true at the moment. which is just.. weird to me. but it just proves so much to me too, that my unhappiness is not tied to where i live. its attached to me, at the hip, in sailers knots. thats where its been this whole time. i guess i was just looking for a way out. although, all that being said, i definitely needed to move. i don’t doubt that. i just have been so overwhelmed with sadness and missing my home there. i dont know what it is exactly, or why, but its strong. everything makes me cry. everything reminds me of my old life. im such a conflicted being, not being able to handle four months alone after a change, but not being able to handle where i was before either. i guess this is the point where you feel like throwing in the towel in general and just living in the middle of the forest eating deer and flowers. i suppose this is it. this is the time in my life where its up to me. its my choice.

ive been having this weird .. vision? .. tonight. i can see my body standing at a coastal cliff. theres a bridge in front of me, its long and its very windy. i cant see the end or even the other side of land, its just a bridge into clouds. im standing at the beginning of it, alone, and my hair is blowing something crazy. its cloudy and very dismal out. theres nothing or anyone else around. i cant go back, theres nothing there. i cant go forward because theres nothing there either without walking over this bridge. im stuck. i have to cross the bridge. i have to cross over. or i have to stand still. and i guess that just isn’t an option.

grown up

Thu, 19 Apr 2012 00:24:40 -0400

Theres a phone call from your friend of 13 years that you grew up with and she is pregnant and starting a family.

Looking at the calendar your reminded of the fact that your missing a best friends wedding. Why? Because of money.

I guess this is the first time I’ve really felt that strange emptiness of watching your friends grow in very specific ways in their lives and not being able to help feeling left behind and directionless. Where is my life going, exactly? Am I just too hard on myself?

I suppose when things like these happen I can’t help but to make it slightly about myself. Because as happy as I am about both of these and how much I love them immensely, we are all selfish I guess. It’s weird because I don’t have a strong desire to start a family or get married, but when the people you grew up with, literally or emotionally, start doing these things it makes you wonder what’s wrong with you for not wanting it too, I guess. For not dating every boy you meet, for not marrying the guy your mom pushes on you, and for not being interested in the things everyone else is. I sometimes (most times) wonder why I have this constant battle inside of being able to physically stay still while inside all I want to do is keep moving. Maybe that’s why I lasted as long as I did in Sweden, because I got to travel so much. I feel this incredible urge to move again and I just got here.

My skin feels restless. Everything happens for a reason. I’m tired of being poor.

Connected But Alone this is pretty incredible. please watch it!

Tue, 10 Apr 2012 20:34:00 -0400

Connected But Alone

this is pretty incredible. please watch it!

Stepping foot in the Austin airport just felt so… exciting! And in so many different ways. I...

Mon, 26 Mar 2012 22:09:42 -0400

Stepping foot in the Austin airport just felt so… exciting! And in so many different ways. I felt this overwhelming sense of happiness and gratitude that I’m here and that this is my airport now. That just because I’m in between these walls doesn’t mean that I’m not coming back, that more than likely I will be walking these floors a lot. And even more so than all that, it made me reminisce on my first AND second (!!!) time here and how lovely and special these stupid tile floors are to me. Security had me choked up! Airports really seem to spike my emotions and today it was a good one :) I just have such a love for this place and town that honestly, and I don’t see how this wasn’t painfully obvious to me before, I could never ever see myself moving away or leaving. Not for a long time. Just the fact that I’m going to be away for a whole weekend saddens my heart a bit and I know I will be itching to get back to this strangely southern home of mine.

Here’s to good decisions and following your heart in an extremely healthy and happy way.

Sweden and such

Fri, 23 Mar 2012 14:18:21 -0400

It didn’t take me long. I’ve been having moments of nostalgia thinking of Sweden. More specifically, some of the things I would do there, and interestingly it’s pretty much exactly what I expected to miss. Things and people. Break it down, Ms Haley!

Walking, or more frequently, biking to the nearest cafe with the wind in my hair (haha) and being pretty much guaranteed a fantastic cup of coffee no matter the place or time or cafe. People sitting for hours at their tables talking and not caring if they’re holding up that space for too long, reveling in that time spent with whoever they were with. I want meeting and talking over a hot drink to be a staple in my day to day again. I need to incorporate it here, I said I would but I haven’t yet. I have faith though :) The cozy cafe atmosphere for that sort of thing I have yet to really find here, although I’ve only just scratched the surface so..

Speaking of bikes and walking. I NEED to start biking again. I miss it terribly, the moment I can afford to buy a bike I’m gonna get one and stick it downtown and just go for bike rides around the city and do the things I used to with it. I wish I could bike to work and town but I will take what I can right now! So I guess what I’m saying is the feeling of being outside walking and on a bicycle is unparalleled to all other modes of transport, for the most part, and I only ever experienced that fully living in Malmö. So they are closely related in my mind.

And last, yet most important, there are some people that I left behind that I can’t imagine how it will be to be away from long term. I grew up and grew to love a few wonderful human beings there and they will always be with me. I really miss you.

“Austin is like being on vacation all the time”. A 9 year old in the hall said that to me at my first meeting here. I can’t help but to agree with her. Austin is pretty great. It seems like it possesses whatever you need. Whether its drinking wine in the country or walking through fields of green or thru streams of water barefoot or dancing and riding an electric bull or pioneering and improving your spiritual health or even losing weight and getting fit. As strange as it is to put all those in the same sentence, it’s so true. It can do for you whatever you need it to. And I think that’s very special! There is so much offered here it’s hard to know where to start.

I guess to me the biggest difference, or rather a difference that means the most to me right now, is that when I first moved to Malmö 3 years ago I was asked by most of whom I met “why did you choose Sweden? Why did you move here?” insinuating that i’d almost made a mistake, shedding light on their lack of appreciation and joy for where they lived. They couldn’t see why, with so many other options, I would choose to live THERE. Even throughout the few years it kept coming up. I thought it was a little strange but I was so excited to have moved to Europe I couldn’t give a farts butt what they thought, I was gonna love it there if it was the last thing I did!!

So now, having that to compare it to, moving to Austin has been the complete opposite. Every single person I’ve met has been nothing but ridiculous with how much they love it here. Just like that little girl, it’s been ‘Austin is THE best place to live! Your gonna love it here! We wouldn’t live anywhere else!’ .. You get the idea. So I guess I just find it interesting that you can have a people that absolutely love where they live and then have another group of people that most of what they talk about is leaving. Granted, I don’t speak for all Swedish folk, nor all austinites. But it was just a feeling I got. I suppose I needed somewhere that people were excited to be, and I found it here.

I guess I learned how to really be able to connect with myself and see myself for who I really was in Sweden. I went through some of the toughest of toughs and I was able to come out of it breathing and even more than that, capable of making such a drastic change by myself like moving here. I believe its safe to say Sweden prepared me for the rest of my adult life and I think that’s also very special.

What will Austin hold?

Anniversary Stuff

Mon, 06 Feb 2012 15:20:00 -0500

It’s been a crazy month here.

I would say everything has been pretty picture perfect, that I have nothing to complain about and that I’ve been very fortunate and blessed. I look back on these four weeks and I can’t believe it’s gone by so quickly. Part of me feels like its been months, yet a bigger part of me feels like only minutes have passed. Both are true I guess. However, I still feel as though I’m only just visiting, waiting for my flight back to Sweden. I find myself saying things like ‘we have to do that before I leave!’.

There are a couple things I want to write about without being too ridiculous. I feel like I’ve been on this outrageous roller coaster that thinks its amusing to pull me up and drop me off ledges and pick me up right before I hit the ground and laugh at me the whole time its going on. Sitting in a locked and harnessed seat, alone, taking off at full speed and going straight up with pure joy only to reach the top and realize there’s only one way to go from there, down. And it’s exactly that, uncontrolled highs and lows. I need to change rides to one of the children’s mouse coasters or something.

I’ve written letter after letter to my friends. I’ve made desperate phone calls, just to hear the voice of someone I love. At times, I’ve never felt more alone in my whole life. It’s like there’s two of me, one screaming to be around people just to be seen and heard and to know I’m still here and not off scared somewhere and alone and failing, and the other part of me is fighting with stubborn force to make this work by myself and not have to get help or be around people and to learn to function without others constantly there next to me. One wants help, one wants to do it on my own. Is it weird to want to be sad in a dark apartment by yourself rather than give in and admit that you can’t go thru it alone?

I do know for sure though that this was without a doubt the right thing to have done. And that Jehovah is helping me. And that despite challenges, challenging people, or challenging thoughts, wanting to pull my hair out or break down crying, this will definitely be a continued success… simply because it has to be. -H-

Things Terry n Nancy Say

Tue, 31 Jan 2012 08:49:47 -0500

“these are my hornitoes!”

“I could put your name on the pot in the mornin!”

Video

Mon, 30 Jan 2012 00:13:13 -0500

Deeeeeeeeear Jehovah.

Fri, 20 Jan 2012 18:09:00 -0500

“Trust in Jehovah with all your heart and do not lean upon your own understanding. In all your ways take notice of him, and he himself will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3:5”

This has been in my constant thoughts and prayers these past two weeks. I can say with all certainty and truthfulness that it is more true than I could have ever imagined. For the first time in my life, I feel as though I have finally let Jehovah in in a way I’ve never done before. I’m letting him be my friend and I’m starting to trust him instead of myself. What a relief! I’ve been thinking to myself what the HECK have you been doing these past 13 years? Letting yourself get stressed out, taking everything and everyone onto yourself, not asking for help.. or even worse, asking for help but not listening and not trusting him to actually do it. coughcoughcontrolfreakcoughcough.

Let’s start from the beginning, now that I’ve set an undertone of how I’ve (he’s) been able to pull this move off.

I’ve been applying to jobs non stop for months now. Setting up appointments way in advance, getting contacts, emailing random schools. I’ve really tried to put myself out there in hopes of something coming up. The day before moving to Austin I got a phone call from a school I had emailed the night before. This was AFTER I made a decision and booked my plane ticket. She wanted to interview me the next day. Obviously, I couldn’t since I wouldn’t be there. So we booked for the following Monday. She told me I was exactly what they were looking for, that they loved my letter I wrote to them and that they really wanted to meet me as soon as I can. After hanging up the phone I realized I couldn’t go on Monday, in my excitement I made an interview for a time I couldn’t do. So I called her the next day and told her I couldn’t make it, scared of her reply. ”Haley, that’s not a problem at all! I totally understand that your in a stressful situation and that you are still working out everything. This is a big move for you. Tuesday will be more than ok! Don’t worry!” Could this be true?

Let’s fast forward a few days and skip all the horrible emotional things like how I didn’t think I would physically be able to get on the plane to Austin. How I was hunched over in the bathroom stall stifling atrocious sobs. How I couldn’t see my self succeeding in this move. How I didn’t feel strong enough to even answer the airlines check in staff when asked what my last name was. How just looking at my family made me short of breath and well with tears. Let’s skip to when the plane landed and I heard ‘Welcome to Austin. The current temperature is perfect and the weather conditions are dreamy and welcoming. Congratulations, you did it Haley’. I felt like this was the first time I could relax. To stop and take a breath. The past 5 hours I was on auto pilot. I wasn’t in control of my actions anymore, just going through the physical motions of boarding and un boarding. I walked down the stairs and that was it. I didn’t have to say anymore goodbyes. From now on it’s only hello’s.

The next couple days were filled with sun and the sounds of laughter, beer, music and days that I will remember for a very long time. Farmers markets and mushrooms, banjos and jazz, grass and sun bathing, song writing and harmonies, walks and runs, and a view that puts an unsettled heart at ease. I couldn’t have asked for anything more. Sunday I went to the meeting. I was fine until I heard a little toddler in the back start laughing and making sounds. I was instantly reminded of Liam and started to panic for whatever reason. Flashes of my old congregation, sitting with Ari and Louise at the meeting, playing with kids. They all hit me like a drunk driver and my mind went spiraling out of control. I had to get up. I had to move. I walked out the door not knowing where I was going, my feet leading the way. Breathe Haley. No one said this was going to be an easy thing.

Tuesday came around and I went on my interview. An hour and a half process that went smashingly. They wanted me. They told me everything I wanted to hear. I told them everything they wanted to hear. It was the perfect job. I had potential for growth, for experience, and maybe, just maybe, schooling options. The first job I talked to is the one that without a doubt I wanted to have. I was asked back for a second ‘working interview’ where I went in, after rescheduling another appointment, and it went really well. After the day was over I was sat down and told that they just were told by a girl that works there that she would like to apply for the position also. My heart sank. In my head I was thinking this is it. It’s over. I knew it was too good to be true. It was all I could do to remain calm and focus on what she was saying. She wanted me, but she had others to interview, but she wanted to make me an offer, but she still had to talk to the other girl, but she…….. and on it went. When I left I thought to myself ‘well.. keep on looking’. I got home and started to panic. Thoughts were running through my mind like ‘what am I going to do?! how am I going to fix this?! what will be my plan now??’ and then it hit me. Out of no where. I wasn’t reading, I wasn’t listening to anything. It came on it’s own.. ”Trust in Jehovah with all your heart and do not lean upon your own understanding…” I was trying to process what trusting in Jehovah would mean in this situation. So I started by thinking what my own understanding was.. That I wasn’t going to get this job, that I had to take control over what I was going to do and that I have to worry and, basically, freak out about it haha. Then I thought.. Well, what would trusting in Jehovah right now mean? It would mean give him more than just a few hours to make something happen for you. It would mean COMPLETELY trust that he will make SOMETHING work out. That just because ME, an imperfect person, thinks that what I just heard meant ‘you won’t get this job’ didn’t really mean anything at all. I said a prayer and decided to let it go for that night. And so I did, surprisingly.

The next morning I was on my way out the door for another interview. They called me that morning and asked me to come in. I was scheduled to be there at 12. At 11 as I was sitting on the curb waiting for a friend to pick me up and take me when I got a phone call from the school that I was on my way to interview at. ”Miss Ahokas? Hi.. I’m so sorry but it seems like we double booked at 12, is it possible for you to come in at 3 instead?” I was so irritated. I cancelled my ride and went back up the condo to wait around a few hours. I sat down, got on the computer and started looking for more jobs online. About 10 minutes later the phone rings and I answer it. “Hi Haley…. We would like to officially offer you the position here at the school!…” I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Was this really happening? Was the first interview I went on, the absolute perfect job for me, was this really the job I was gonna get? Within a week of moving here? I accepted. I hung up the phone and felt like I was in a haze. I really couldn’t believe it (commence champagne celebration). It’s as if he took what I wanted and just materialized this school and handed me the position.

The next day we go in early morning service. We did business territory. I was nervous, but I kind of took it like a champ and rolled right up in a tire business and placed some magazines with the guys there. Afterwards we met for regular service and on our way out of the parking lot a sister comes up to Sunshine and I and says something fast to her about some guy ‘not wanting it. its too far away’ and looks at me and walks back to her car. I didn’t really know what was going on. Turns out this sister and her husband have an efficiency apartment that they rent out. Turns out they needed someone to rent it asap. Turns out, it was perfectly in my price range. And so guess where I’m laying right now? The best part about the whole thing is I didn’t have to buy much of anything to move in. No towels, no dishes or forks or knives or a BED or dressers or anything. I went to the store and bought some food, some toilet paper and paper towels and called it a night haha. Worries of how I would be able to afford to get what I needed for a new apartment fell out the window when I was given this place. Jehovah gave me just what I needed.

So after these things there was really only one thing left to take care of before I could get going here and start working. A car. I really didn’t expect this to be the one that was the most difficult to sort out. The reason it was so stressful too was because I couldn’t rent a car because I didn’t have a Texas license, and if you don’t have a texas license then you have to have a major credit card, which I don’t have either. So basically I was screwed. I tried to get a Texas license but I needed my SS card which so happens to be on a boat in the middle of the ocean on the way from Sweden ha. The school wanted me to start on Wednesday, which gave me about 4 days to get a loan, find a car, and finalize everything. By Tuesday night I didn’t have anything settled and so I had to cancel work for the next day. I was hating the idea of canceling but I really had no choice in the matter. By Wednesday it still wasn’t done so yet again, I cancelled work. I couldn’t have asked for a more understanding and reasonable boss. She was so excited for me just to come whenever I could get there that she was so accepting of me not being able to find a car. She told me she understood and to take my time. Really?! haha. After almost a week though of trying to find a car I finally bought one tonight. I feel really good about my decision because the car I was looking at before this was a newer one, more expensive, and I just had a strange feeling about it that I was really trying to suppress. I don’t know why. I really need to learn to listen to myself and my gut in these things. Stop being so stinking stubborn. So after fighting to get this one car, it finally fell thru and I happened to come across a car that I had already seen on CL but never really gave a fair chance. I went to see it and just kind of fell in love with it. It has some things that need to be fixed cosmetically, but the paint is perfectly red and the interior is great for the age. Oh, and did I mention it’s a convertible? haha yeah. That happened. I felt like the previous one didn’t work out for a reason. I’m happy for it.

I really don’t know what to make of my life. I can’t believe that I would be someone that Jehovah would bless in any way at all. But I know that all this really isn’t just for me. I know there are a lot of people who know what is going on and why I made the decisions that I did and why this has been such a success. It’s been one hell of a ride these past few months, but I wouldn’t trade any of it. The outcome has been more than worth it. A few things I think I have learned is that Jehovah, when you really completely trust that he will take care of you, will never fail you. I learned that you can do and accomplish a lot more than you probably think you can, despite what others say to you. Also, there are people out there that will go above and beyond what you ever would ask for or expect and will prove their love for you, so much so that you feel at a loss of how you could ever repay them. You know who you are. And that sometimes, or rather a lot of times, it’s usually the ones you least expect to come through for you that do. Don’t get hung up on ideas. Be open minded to possibilities. And people.

I decided it necessary to devote an entire post just to the food...

Thu, 19 Jan 2012 13:35:00 -0500

I decided it necessary to devote an entire post just to the food I have been eating here… because, yes, it’s that good. I don’t think I have enjoyed eating so much in my entire life! I would say this is mostly due to the fact that I am living with someone who is ridiculous at cooking food, and food that is EXACTLY what I can eat and feel good eating. It’s like a dream. So thanks Sunshine :)

Let’s see if I can break down these pretty self explanatory pictures we have here.

I can only think of one or two days where I haven’t been eating mexican food. It’s pretty much a staple here for people, they even have breakfast burritos everywhere haha :D I’ve been sampling a lot of local beers, which I happen to not have any photos of, and I haven’t been disappointed yet. Last Friday night we celebrated me getting a job, hence the salmon and champagne. Tuesday before that we celebrated my great interview with champagne. And, if my reasoning skills aren’t failing me, I can see celebrating getting a car with champagne in my future as well hah! And lastly, but also most importantly, if you take note of the mystery looking thing in a giant piece of lettuce, you will feast your eyes upon the most beautiful veggie burger I have ever had. Homemade and incredibly tasty. Topped with avacado, smoked black bean hummus, cabbage, and a tomato, it could possibly be one the healthiest most delicious things you will have. .. But I guess I can only speak for myself.

Basically, you can’t go wrong eating here. Sunshine and Jason live next to the head quarters (?) of Whole Foods and I have been there every day just about. Whether perusing the isles for things I won’t actually buy or getting hot lunch or breakfast it’s been the perfect mid day sanctuary where everything just feels fantasy like and robust………………..? haha

One night we had pepperoni on our pizza. I have no regrets. It was that worth it.

downstairs disability

Mon, 26 Dec 2011 23:18:00 -0500

as some of you may know, i have been staying with my friend kelly for almost two weeks now. she lives one apartment building down from where my moms apartment is.. which is also where ari and louise are staying while they are visiting. this is all much too convenient (which happens to be one of americas favorite words according to louise :) so luckily, and most fittingly as i possess no car and no means of transport, i get to very easily and quickly walk from kelly’s to mom’s place in minutes. so fast that you probably would never even notice the time passing. barely enough time to write a text and send it. not enough time to start getting anxious over if i am gonna find a job. not even enough time to bite my nail. at least this was the case until recently. now i feel as if that last stretch drags on for centuries.

i was walking to my parents place. just before i reached their staircase i caught sight of the man living downstairs. he has the corner apartment right before their hallway and i can’t help but to see him every time i walk by. his lights are always on, whether its 6 or 12 at night, he is there and they are on. he is always, always sitting on the same sofa in the same spot. he’s staring into a late 90s television, usually eating, but sometimes just sitting there. maybe this wouldn’t be something to write about if it were just once or twice that i saw him there. but i see him there every time i pass by. i see him there everyday, all day. some days i will stroll by in the morning and he will be there and when i come home at night the same day, he is still there. maybe just a few more cans on the floor or a pillow out of place. when i mentioned it to my mom she said she met him once, he is disabled somehow. it’s not apparent from where i creep outside, but i suppose that makes a lot of sense. maybe it’s difficult for him to leave the house.

i guess the idea behind this is just to say that i feel sad. i feel anxious and empathetic each time i walk by and see him there watching tv, alone. always alone. and lonely. a part of me wants to bake him cookies, knock on the door and sit and talk with him. but he isn’t that old. 50s maybe. which i guess it could be strange to be alone with him. but i also feel a knot in my stomach every time i walk by and see him. almost guilty. guilty that i am out and meeting people. seeing friends and family. guilty that i don’t do more. appreciate what i can do.

i guess the question here is do we appreciate who and what we have? .. maybe not your question. but my question at least.

moving heartbeats

Fri, 16 Dec 2011 17:28:43 -0500

seems like this theme is always coming up again. whether about my four moves within sweden, my move to, or my move away.

thats all. my mind feels empty..

The Quantum Physics of Our Friendship

Thu, 08 Dec 2011 05:50:00 -0500

“I leave the day after tomorrow. I’m already bracing my heart for this goodbye. I’m not ready. But, of course, It’s coming whether I want it to or not. What helps is that after every goodbye is another hello. And then I thought about how many hellos we still have. Years and years of friendship.

You are just as much my future as you are my past. When that happens time is nothing.

Where there is beating, there is a heart. Where there is a heart, there you are - moving me.

(the quantum physics of our friendship)”

there is something about this picture….

Mon, 28 Nov 2011 15:54:00 -0500

there is something about this picture….

Old Habits

Tue, 08 Nov 2011 16:31:00 -0500

I have these old habits
These reoccurring questions
Where I lay in bed tumbling in all sorts of dumb

Like where am I going?
What is my purpose?
Or if its true i’m growing why do I feel so young?

Then I’ll chase it down
With some whiskey and nails
And for a moment seal it as my life long fate

And after a deep breath
I’ll try to come around
And then hack it up to I’m tired and it’s late

Tonight was different though
It was the first of it’s kind
I had started sinking right back into my old habits.

I looked outside
And then back at my palms
And realized that this is without doubt my limit

Tonight I choose
My heart and my mind
And what I want to fill them with

Because I may be young
And I may be lost
But I’ve got an end that even I can’t tamper with